What’s the big deal about attachments?

The problem with attachments, from a resilience perspective, is that, like fixed mindsets, they lead to rigidity in our responses to situations. It reduces our flexibility.

This is a problem because adapting to circumstances is critical to being resilient. Trees that don’t bend with the wind eventually get uprooted by a big enough storm.

What are attachments and how do I know if they are driving me (unhealthily)?

Let’s define what we mean first:

“It means clinging to people, beliefs, habits, possessions and circumstances. You feel emotionally attached to them and are unable and unwilling to let go, make changes, or get out of your comfort zone. It means lack of freedom, because you tie yourself to people, possession, habits and beliefs, and avoid change and anything new.”

Remez Sasson

In summary, attachments drain energy and reduce flexibility.

That can be tiring.

It can also reduce people’s appetite for working with you. I’m sure you can easily think of someone who was overly attached to things being done their way; if they asked you to collaborate with them, you would probably find a reason not to, if you could. If you are that person, it makes it harder to get important things done, as well as starving you of potentially great (albeit different) ideas.

Consider these generic signs of attachments:

• If you say, “That’s just who I am” as a way of explaining away behavior.
• If you say, “That’s just the way I do things” as a way of explaining away alternative approaches.
• If you repeatedly moan about someone or something.
• If you are disproportionately defensive of an attitude.

In our book, we identify six common types of attachment, such as things happening a certain way, or making someone wrong.

If I wanted to, how do I go about breaking an unhealthy attachment?

There are three steps.

1. Recognise and acknowledge that you might have an unhealthy attachment. It is very difficult to change something that is either out of awareness or which you don’t accept is an issue. If in doubt, ask someone who knows you and who’s opinion you trust: “Do I have a tendency to <Insert attachment>?”
2. Explore the attachment. At one point in time, the attachment will have made sense to you, at some level, even if it doesn’t now. A great way of exploring this is to ask yourself the question, “Why does it make sense to <Insert attachment>?” Try to sense and feel into the answer, rather than to think and analyse. Ask the question six or seven times – until there is no more energy in it.
3. Craft some self-talk which supports you in embedding new beliefs around that issue. When the attachment kicks in next time, which it will, you can speak the new self-talk to it. There may be habits or actions you need to develop to support you in breaking the attachment, but if you persist, it will lose its power.

The good news: These steps are simple to understand. The bad news: They take a bit of time to work through and execute.

In closing, it is worth saying, we know from hard experience, that the sense of freedom and life that comes after you have wrestled an unhealthy attachment under control, always makes it worth the pain and effort.